I know you all know I'm a soccer fan, so I would be a TOTAL AND COMPLETE LAZY-ASS if I didn't write something about the mess that has become the US Women's National Team.
(A lot of talk is going around the web, and I'm sure this will even come up in searches about the whole thing, so I'm giving myself a lot of credit for making input, because after all, the opinion of an old, tired useless 35 year old rec league player FUCKING MATTERS, PEOPLE. SCREW ESPN.)
Well, not really, but I've never been short on opinions.
And if you're reading this and have no idea what I'm talking about, consult Google. There's TONS out there.
So here goes.
NEWSFLASH.
Mia Hamm RETIRED YEARS AGO.
Which I don't think anyone has noticed yet.
For this World Cup, even though she's been poppin' out the munchkins at home for years now, every single stinking place that sells WNT (Women's National Team) stuff has the Mia jersey right there, front and center. She can't even say "I'm a soccer player" in the new Nike commercial- she has to say "I'm an athlete." Why? Because she doesn't play soccer anymore.
And why is she even IN the damn commercial when we have 21 other female athletes playing on the biggest stage in the world? Anyway...
Most everyone that follows the WNT still thinks it's 1999 and Brandi Chastain is somewhere out there ripping her shirt off in a blaze of penalty-kicking glory (Which, by the way, I hate to watch because she looks INCREDIBLE and
I'm usually sitting on the couch eating cookies when I see it.) while Mia competes with Michael for a bottle of Gatorade and tosses her shiny hair for Pert Plus or some equally shitty shampoo. Most of the players from that team have managed to get some kind of media careers out of it, and they're still out there. Living off the old glory.
And THAT'S where Hope Solo fucked up.
(Hope if you're reading this, stay with me.)
Don't get me wrong- the old US WNT was great and I loved them. They did more for women's sports in this country than anyone short of Billie Jean King ever has, and TONS of girls now have athletic opportunity because of what they did. My high school had no women's soccer when I was there (1986-1990), and now they have JV and Varsity. That team did their job, and they did it beautifully.
They were America's golden girls- all teamwork and athleticism with a sparkly hint of girl-next-door- and parents everywhere LOVED such positive role models for their little Mias. There was never any controversy, and you could always conjure a mental image of the team having turkey together every single fucking Thanksgiving because they were so in love with each other. You know- the turkey cooked while they were outside with their husbands and kids and boyfriends and mothers having a spirited pick-up game. In spotless Nike casualwear. With perfect ponytailed highlights.
Which couldn't POSSIBLY have been true.
But that whole team was a marketing GENIUS. And it worked.
And even when only two are still playing, they're still the face of Women's Soccer.
So, even though people started to see women as athletes, they only saw the bottled version. Which is all US Soccer ever WANTED anyone to see. And still wants them to see.
It gave the US the first success in soccer it ever had.
It gave them a ton of media coverage.
It gave them the chance to let the men's team ride on their coattails.
And above all, it made them a fuckload of money.
Which is great, because Women's Soccer became a big deal with real stars.
But 8 years later, it's kind of time to take the next step.
We know they can play now.
So, Hope opened her mouth on TV.
GOD BLESS HER.
Not because she said anything great- I mean honestly, had she worded it differently that fucktard coach would probably already be fired- but BECAUSE SHE SAID ANYTHING AT ALL.
What a lot of people don't know is that a US Soccer PR guy was standing right there, first telling the reporter not to talk to Hope because she didn't play and then not letting Brianna Scurry, the player Hope "threw under the bus," say anything at all.
And Brianna, a member of the old guard, said, "He's the boss" and walked away.
Hope said, "Don't you tell me who can interview me ever again."
And THAT'S why she's great.
She's EXACTLY what US Soccer wants in it's women players- gorgeous, talented, etc. They had already started marketing her and her young teammates just like they did with the Mia crowd.
And she said fuck that, I'M REAL.
They chalked up her being left out of the last game to the other players feeling she had "broken an unwritten team code." Yeah, SURE. She basically said that it's time to move on past the old years and that the new girls might actually be BETTER. And the old girls on the team didn't like that. Neither did the old girls commentating during the games. Someone didn't fall at the Mia team's feet and beg them to return because no one else could ever live up to them.
gasp.
And UH-OH, people might actually figure out that they're not all shiny perfect! They might wonder if they've had sex! And might drink! And might be OH NO DON'T SAY IN THE WORLD OF WOMEN'S SPORTS BECAUSE BE NEVER EVER EVER TALK ABOUT THIS PART be lesbians. And don't go home every break to their loving parents and boyfriends and bake cupcakes for the PTA in between their training sessions!
You think I'm exaggerating? US Soccer actually posted a rather large picture of one of the player's hands with her engagement ring on their website a while back. Their Player's Yearbook I bought for Soccer Chick at the game in June makes A POINT to mention husbands for every player that has one, but all the single girls get about their non-soccer lives is "I really like cheese. It's my favorite, since I'm from Wisconsin."
No shit.
So Hope, if you ever read this, THANK YOU.
You're going to pay dearly for being the first to be your own woman and a competitor to the bone in public. You're going to take a lot of heat for being brash and honest and not towing the party line. You will never in your life manage to get rid of those 28 seconds on TV, and no one can say that it will ever go away enough for you to get back to normal.
The first always takes it the worst.
But, because of your 28 seconds, the next generation won't have to be so perfect. And bottled.
Maybe one day my daughter can call out a total example of the Fucktards of America Coach's Club without being crucified if she makes it to that level.
Maybe she can just be REAL. As a female athlete. Without having to put on all the other bullshit image things with it.
And get to do a better commercial than Pert Plus, because DAMN, that stuff sucks.
