It Couldn't Have Been Something I Said- Internet Shopping Carts Can't Hear When You Curse at Them
I LOVE coming to work and finding a package that I ordered. LOVE IT.
I immediately have to rip into it, as if I have no idea what it is (even though I ordered it 2 days ago) and it's Christmas morning and I'm 7 years old again. It's FUN TIMES, people.
That's how my day started off today. I actually (almost) got enough sleep, managed to get out of the house in time to get the oil changed in the car before work, had a good cup of coffee, and came to work to find YIPPEE! MY STUFF'S HERE!
Actually, not all MY stuff. I ordered a US Women's Soccer Team jersey for Soccer Chick to celebrate the United States having at least one soccer team that doesn't suck, along with a shirt (on sale) and a pair of shinguards for myself (again, on sale).
About shinguards for soccer... SOMEBODY SOMEWHERE needs to come up with a kind that doesn't smell like hippo ass after about 6 games so that you have to keep buying new ones so that the smell of unzipping your soccer bag after a game doesn't induce coma. I'm just saying.
So back to the YIPPEE! part...
I pick up the package and start looking for the scissors to open it, and notice something.
Italics indicate my thought process during these distressing moments.
There's dried blood all over the top of the outside of the package.
Yuck, but okay. Some UPS guy probably cut himself moving boxes, etc., right? Not great, but what can you do? Just don't... ick... touch... it. THERE. I opened it without touching blood. Am VERY talented.
YAY! there's the jersey and YAY! there's my shirt and YAY! there's my shinguards and damn those things look too big but whatever and OH LOOK- they're giving away samples of something! Men's disposable razors! Let's see what we have here... free razors would be good... I think that's his brand too...
Shit. This package of razors is OPEN. And looks USED.
And there's blood on the outside of the package.
Ummm, did I say something rude when I ordered this stuff? Ummm, nope. Ordered via Internet. Could not have brought package retaliation on myself with shitty comment. Was totally well-behaved during shopping cart phase of ordering process.
Blood. Razors. In package.
DO. NOT. LIKE.
Am probably overreacting. Will consult someone who usually has distinctly different ideas of what is acceptable in the world than I do for second opinion.
My boss agrees. So does Work Husband. So does real husband.
Razors + blood + package = FUCKING GROSS.
Yes, I went for three consultations.
So I called the company and finally got a person on the phone who handles returns (I thought that was probably the closest thing to what I would like to do in this situation)...
Nice Phone Lady: So, what was the problem with your order?
Me: Well, there was something in it and on it that I think wasn't supposed to be there.
Nice Phone Lady: We sent you extra merchandise by mistake?
Me: I guess you could say that.
Nice Phone Lady: What exactly was the problem?
Me: When I got the order, there was dried blood all over the outside of the package and an open pack of disposable razors that look used inside the package. All of my stuff is OK because it was in plastic packages, and there wasn't any blood inside the package, and had it just been one or the other, I would have probably been fine, but blood and razors when all I wanted was a soccer jersey is a bit upsetting. Did I pick the right extension or should I have picked someone else? Would this qualify as a return? I certainly don't want it, but I don't have to send it back either. I just thought you guys might want to know someone had lost their shaving kit. And had an accident with it. In my package.
Silence.
Me: Ummm, HELLO? Did I just say all that too fast?
Nice Phone Lady: No... hold on, please.
It all ended with a supervisor giving me a $50 gift certificate and promising that when I sent the package back to them, someone was most likely getting fired.
I think I scared the hell out of the first lady, though.
And the shinguards? Are too fucking big.
